I hate pyramids!

Pyramids!! Not the ones in Egypt I hasten to add.  I haven't seen the ones built by the pharoahs although I have sat beneath a crystal one to have my chakras balanced (don't ask!).  However I can definitely say that pyramids in the swimming pool are to be avoided at all costs (especially if you swim as if you are towing a brick - or possibly a wall in my case).  It was pointed out at 8am this morning that I hadn't written anything for about a month and to be fair this isn't a reflection of my training history.  I have been working like a demon (mainly to avoid eyebrow raising from chief nagger encourager Hugh, who is OC the Masters Team for the Raise the Bar competition in Cardiff next month.
After the wall ball epic that is Karen last week  I was traumatised delighted that the WOD the next day was 5 sets of 5 pull ups followed by a 100 20kg sumo deadlift high pull ups  interspersed with 3 ring dips every minute until all the sumos had been completed.  That was fun!

March has had some fairly horrendous workouts starting with a team WOD involving 6 minutes of rowing, thrusters, running, dumbbell snatches and situps- luckily I had the lovely Nina as my team and she's a ninja runner, while I run like I swim (see above).
The next killer little bundle of joy was 5 rounds of 3 overhead squats with 20kg interspersed with 3,6,9,12 and then 15 lateral crawls.  Lateral crawls are my new least favourite exercise in the whole world (and there is quite a long list to choose from) .  They involve you lying on the floor (that was the only bit I liked) and then pushing up into a press up and scuttling sideways like an asthmatic crab for about a metre and then doing another push up, ad nauseum (literally!).  Now I know that that doesn't sound a lot but you try doing12 of them especially after you've done 18 and 15 overhead squats!  But of course that wasn't enough because this was followed immediately by 5 rounds of 4 alternating split jerks with 25kg interspersed with 4,8,12,16 and then 20 squat bar jumps - ooosh!  Cue Bridge lying on the ground at the end attempting to breathe through every orifice.

Pistol squats seem to have featured frequently (or maybe I just notice them because they hurt so much) but I have been able to lower the box I've been using to aid me - 15 inches and counting.   I've even had a go at skinning the cat - this is not a euphemism!  It's a sort of somersault while holding on to gymnastic rings - I can't do it - that is all!
I have been daft unfortunate enough to schedule my visits to the box to coincide with the London throwdown workouts (Wednesday) and the Crossfit Games Open workouts (Fridays).  90 wallballs (my fave!), 70 kettlebell snatches, 50 over box jumps, 30 toes to bar (in my dreams), and 10 muscle ups (ditto).  I needed to have a lie down after that one.  It didn't get any better with the Open WOD - as many reps as possible in 17 minutes of 40 burpees 30 snatches (15kg) 30 burpees 30 snatches 20kg, 17 burpees (that's how far I got).  Burpees have moved quite a way down the list of my least favourite exercises and I was pretty surprised that I seem to have got the hang of them (although that is relative - having watched Annie Thorisdottir doing the workout on you tube I realise that I burpee like an epileptic grasshopper, except with less of a jump)
Now you might be forgiven in thinking that after all those epic workouts that I would be safe in assuming that Saturday would be a reasonably easy option - big mistake...huge!  Murph, one of the hero WODs (named after soldiers who have died in Afghanistan) holy mother of God! 1 mile run 100 pull ups 200 push ups 300 squats 1 mile run - I nearly turned round and went home.  I was allowed to do 3/4 of the exercises and used a massive band for the pullups, did the push ups on my knees and found out I can't do basic mental arithmetic when I'm blowing out my a** so I ended up doing 250 squats.  I have to confess I walked quite a lot during the run (especially the uphill bits) and I was totally in awe of the guys who did it in a weight vest!  I finished though and my time was under an hour, on the downside I looked like a tomato
I have been interspersing the crossfit with run/walking and swimming, which brings me back to the pyramid.  I don't have an excuse about getting up before 7am anymore as it's starting to get light,
so I started another 6 week session of swimfit.  I groaned inwardly as I slid out of bed and propelled my body in a somnambulent walk towards the pool.  Mark greeted us with a cheery smile (it's an evil facade I swear!) and after a warm up that was more than enough swimming for me - set us off on a sprint pyramid- 2,4,6,8,6,4,2 twice.  All I can say is that while I may be the slowest swimmer, by far, in the group - I am consistent...I'm always last-but I do manage to swim each of the steps of the pyramid in pretty much the same time, I swim 4 lengths in the same time regardless whether it is the first or last leg.  Spent the rest of the day unable to hear anything because I had water stuck in my ear - it does mean people tend to avoid me as I walk around with my head on one side, shaking it and grumbling to myself.

Scared

I am scared....really scared.  I am also kicking myself (not literally) because I am so easily persuaded to do things that I really shouldn't agree to do.  Some people (YOU KNOW  WHO YOU ARE!) have managed to persuade me to enter the "Raising the Bar" Masters Crossfit Competition in Cardiff in April - that's 2013 not 2014 or 15 which would have made me a little more comfortable.  While "Masters" is crossfit code for old people, this doesn't mean that the competition isn't hard,  it's the qualifier for the European championship so the whole place is going to be full of ninjas.  If I'm honest the persuading point was the promise that the guys would be working out with their tops off... and now I'm regretting it, big time (things have got to be bad when the prospect of a room full of boys with their abs out isn't enough to make me feel better!).  To make matters worse, in the same week I was also persuaded to do Tough Mudder in September.  Now, what I hadn't appreciated was that this involves a 10 mile (not km) run and at the moment I can't even run 3 miles *moresighing*!

Sooo after a week off games due to lurgy I am back at the box, back in the pool and back on the treadmill with a vengeance.  I may be rubbish at most things in crossfit but, I reckon that in a month and a half's time I can aim to be a little less rubbish.

I was less than happy, therefore, on my first day back in the box (still scratchy and a bit lurgyfied) to see that the WOD was 6 sets of 6 clean and jerks and 6 hand stand wall walks.  The idea of hanging my cold-ridden head upside down was not attractive, also I can't do them!   Luckily the scaling allows you to do a half - so you get your feet up and shuffle your hands a bit and then walk back down - I have to say I was slightly in awe of the guys who managed the 36 full versions!  We had a strength session before starting, and I am steadily increasing my back squat now that I can get down full depth (I even made sure I had a box to check my depth as Andrew told me off for cheating last time!)  It was a full-on session so we were limited to 20 mins for the WOD I put a reasonably light weight on for the clean and jerk (22.5kg) as my shoulder is still feeling funky and I knew the wall walks would trash my shoulders.  After each shuffle up the wall I lay down and stretched out my arms before attempting the next rep, after 3 sets (actually who am I trying to kid!  After the first set)  it became increasingly difficult to persuade myself to push up to do the next rep, especially as I could just see steam rising from my body and my arms shaking uncontrollably (I think Hugh Thomas thought I had passed out at one stage, because I lay there for so long).  I amazingly managed to finish (according to my friend Murray) in 19.46 mins (I completely lost count and thought I had another full set to go, which was a little demoralising).

Having finished the torture I wobbled down the road to go home and have a nap. In the spirit of wishing to avoid complete humiliation at "raising the bar", and still having the memory of filthy fifty etched on my brain, I signed up for the open session the next day so that I could work on wall balls (and also sign off some more of the level 1 requirements).  While being off games I missed a workout called Karen - which is 150 wall balls for time.  As coach Glassman says “Hiding from your weaknesses is a recipe for incapacity and error,”  so I decided that the best way to get better was to face my nemesis.  I used a 4kg ball because I can't even throw the 6kg one a couple of inches and I used the green 9m  "ladies'/hobbits' " line because with the best will in the world I still can't hit the 10m "boys'/giants' " line.  I tried to concentrate on making the squat a full one and using both hands to throw the ball rather than my right hand as you would in netball.  I aimed at 5 with 5 breathes' rest and finished in 15 minutes 14seconds with no swearing! Obviously I now can't walk or move my arms and I have sessions booked for Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday so I shall be stretching like a lunatic for the next few days (I may even head to the sauna, might as well make use of my gym membership before I get rid of it!)

Apart from ramping up the exercise regime I have strayed a little from the paelo path - not so much with the wheat but with sugar and rice - so now it is that Lenten time again I have given up chocolate and sweeties and I am back in my cave now that I have a lovely new kitchen to cook with.   As KFC used to be my dirty, little secret I have found a paleo alternative at cookingcaveman which uses pimped up spicy coconut flour and egg- I added salt, pepper, paprika, ground cumin and a jerk chicken rub to my coconut flour, double dipped turkey escalopes alternatively in flour and egg, fried them for a couple of minutes either side and then cooked in the ove for 15 minutes or so.  They are great with a poached egg, asparagus and spicy sweet potato fries or with a tomato sauce and stir-fried green things

I am still in love with cavolo nero and will happily eat pretty much anything with it, although I draw the line, at the moment, at green drinks.  Apparently kale is  the latest big thing in the US whizzed up in a smoothie*bleurgh*.  However, having been to a really fab pop up restaurant at Hart's bakery run by MiCasa I may now be a cauliflower convert.  I ate a really lovely blended cauliflower dip which, didn't make me go bleurgh, in fact it was yummy and I ate a lot of it - so now I may have to start cooking cauliflower with spices and tasty things, and in a way that doesn't look like cauliflower - watch this space for my attempts at cauliflower rice and cauliflower pizza base.

Hangovers

Lets get this clear from the outset. I already know that hangovers and fitness are not fine bedfellows.  Just sometimes they collide accidentally and the aftermath  and, in fact, the duringmath (is that a word? If not it should be) is not pretty. Actually it's horrendous.
 Soooo I went wine tasting. I couldn't help it, it was a work thing.  I really had to go, honest!  I was only going to sip a couple and then it all went horribly wrong...we ended up in Goldbrick House drinking Bridget vespers ( I have cocktail named after me, cool huh!) and then other things and then it was 1am and everyone wanted to go to a club and finally about 4 hours too late the sensible voice in my head that must have been asleep or something, piped up and said " Bridge, you need to go to bed because you are up at 0630 for your swim fit class" doh!
My alarm went off at 0630 and I turned it off trying to think of reasons why it was a really good idea not to go. I didn't need to think very hard mainly because it hurt too much.  However I realised Mark Durnford, my swim coach, has my telephone number, and isn't afraid to use it, so I slowly and painfully dragged my still slightly shaky body to the pool. I tried not to breathe on Mark when I got there but I think he sussed me.  Oh boy did I get taught a lesson I won't forget in a hurry. Swimming and hangovers are a really terrible combination especially when you are doing timed, pyramid, interval swims ( I am seriously wondering whether he wandered past and saw me in the pub and planned the session especially).
I was hoping the physical exertion would eradicate the hangover as my old army buddies had sworn by a good long run after a night on the pop. However the b@stards didn't tell me that,while the process works, the pain that is involved is excruciating. Seriously I cannot advocate the 24 hour in bed recovery method strongly enough!  I'm pretty sure the evil Mark ( or as I like to call him, beast master) was chuckling gleefully under his professional, concerned exterior as I flailed around the pool like an epileptic tomato being electrocuted in a blender ( too many metaphors??)
Never, ever, EVER again...honest.  I mean it. Really.

Things get filthy

It's taken me over a week to summon up the courage to write about this. I am still shuddering to think about it.  I got the warning on Facebook that things might get filthy and I wish I hadn't. I made the mistake of googling "filthy fifty" and once I saw what I was in for I began to try and work out excuses for not going to the box (crossfitspeak for gym) the next day.  

As the lovely Hugh Thomas has been encouraging/pestering/cajoling/shaming me into attending regularly,due to my having been encouraged/pestered/cajoled/shamed into signing up for the Crossfit masters competition in April by Cherie Townsend (more on that in later posts), I knew that,barring mortal illness/injury, I would have to go *sigh*.  

I did contemplate breaking a finger but firstly I  was pretty sure that wouldn't be sufficient to persuade Hugh and secondly I'm generally quite cowardly about pain so breaking things wasn't a realistic option.  I didn't sleep....

I dragged myself to the box like a truculent teenager where I was met by a number of other people looking equally nervous.  I had resigned myself to abject humiliation and, after having seen a you tube clip of someone finishing in 14 minutes, to the fact that I would still be going when the next class started or would have the dreaded DNF on the board next to my name. 

Filthy fifty- for time- 50 reps of each exercise
Box jumps
Jumping pull ups
russian swings 
Walking lunges
Knees to elbows ( hanging from bar)
Push press
Back extensions
Wall balls
Burpees
Double unders (or 100 normal)
OMFG! Cardiac arrest is apparently optional.

The box superheroes started at the top of the list, we humans started with the push presses. I managed those RX (with the weight as prescribed), struggled with balancing on the Swiss ball for the back extensions and then failed to get a single wall ball. Seriously, 50 no reps!  A wall ball requires a weighted medicine ball, in my case a very light one.  You then do a full depth squat and then throw the ball as you straighten your legs (or jump in my case) to hit a line about 9ft off the ground, catch the ball as you squat again and repeat. Could I hit above that line? Could I f@&k! 

I was almost in tears at 30 when our head coach  Andrew came to see why there was a semi-hysterical middle aged woman swearing at a wall. He pointed out a slightly lower line that is apparently designed for hobbits and said I could count all the ones above that line instead. I would have smiled at him but I knew I had 50 burpees to do, and that is all I shall say about that. 

I shall skip past the double unders ( see what I did there?) mainly because I can't do them; so I slammed out 100 normal jumps.  Box jumps have been my nemesis but with my new improved Achilles tendons I managed to perform 50 (albeit on a very little box) reasonably elegantly and without the use of profane language. Then I did the jumpy pull up things that I don't really like very much and kettlebell Russian swings which were fine apart from generally being knackered and struggling to breathe through every orifice available.

Walking lunges hurt, that is all.  I insisted on doing the hanging version of the knee to elbow because I am trying to improve my pull-up strength- probably a mistake in hindsight as it took forever, even though I was only managing knees to waist. Everyone had finished by the time I was at 25 and only managing 2 at a time. Coach even offered the option of doing the rest as the lying on the floor version, but a little but of me decided that would be more humiliating than spending another 5 minutes with everyone watching me struggling to even hang off the bar. 

I finished in 34 minutes and then realised if it's named correctly that I had another 16 minutes to complete it and I should  have taken it a little easier ;-) All I can say is that I salute all my filthy compatriots and I f&£king hate wall balls.

Shamed!!

So I've been shamed into writing this blog - my lovely friend Tim Flower has pointed out that I haven't posted since November.  I've had loads of excuses....bucket loads, I'm the excuse expert :-D.  I'm all out of them now as the lovely Jo from the Parker Clinic has mended my back and stuck pins in my achilles, so not only am I back at crossfit avon but also back running.  To be honest it's run/walk and fairly basic stuff, but I've lasted 2 weeks and can still walk.  I love the get running app, a little personal trainer on my phone.  
As a result of Tim's gentle prodding I dusted off the psycho scales and closed my eyes - when I opened them I have to admit that I was gob-smacked to see that I hadn't accumulated any lard over Christmas, especially as I did no PE for 3 months.  I suppose that this is because I have managed to remain about 70% paleo (although I admit that I gorged on chocolate).  Hopefully with a little bit of a kick start on the paleo and the increase in sweating I will finally get back down to my default weight.

I have got the crossfit standards and so am hoping to get to level 2 in the next 6 months.  I managed to hold a handstand for 20 seconds and even managed to do a WOD upside down on a box scaling handstand pressups.  I have to admit that my aim to be able to do pullups has caused the most pain.  I am spending a lot of time hanging from the bars, swinging so that I can evetually do a kipping pullup, but that does have a tendency to result in an inability to lift my arms above horizontal.  My happiest moment, however, has been to be able to do 15 box jumps on a 15" box and alternate double unders without my achilles snapping.  I have even managed to achieve a PB of 20" box (which may not seem much but for me it's an achievement).  Have a bit of a girl crush on the bear complex.

I may have got a little over excited with my new physical ability as I have signed up for a crossfit competition in April - it's for old people (known as Masters in crossfit speak).  So now I have an incentive to go to crossfit 3 times a week and keep up with my running programme so that I can run 30 minutes non-stop by April.  If you fancy a laugh at the sight of an exhausted, slightly fat chick, lift weights and do burpees then head to Dragon Crossfit on 13th April (as an incentive to my female friends; I a reliably informed that the male athletes workout with their tops off ;-) )

Still primal

Soooo cavegirls didn't drink wine -dammit!  I'll tell you something else, they don't like Crown Prince Albert  squash despite what Hugh Weirdly Eatitall says about them. He was waxing lyrical about their sumptuous taste and their beautiful blue colour and all I can say is bleurgh!  I thought I was being so clever - had an impressive meal planned for a boy (yes... a male one, who had been enticed into my cave) which was going to be lamb chop, curried leek and kale in coconut milk, and mashed Crown Prince Albert squash.  

 The squash was not a success, bland, dull, insipid, tasteless.....you get the picture.  Bit embarrassing after I'd made such a fuss about this exotic blue squash that we were going to have for dinner *sigh*.
  And it's not me just being a fussy thing - squash hasn't fared well in the opinions of the paleo facebook group either - in fact the reactions have varied from "it's going in the compost" to "sod them, they can bugger off".  ( I did try again and made spicy roast acorn squash today and it is actually really yummy so I think I'm going to persist with the squash but only roasted with lots of crushed cumin, coriander seed and chilli - and that's all I shall say about that!)
Crossfit has persisted in leaving me in a semi- paralysed state - 60 pistol squats....on EACH leg - seriously - how the hell are you supposed to get home after that??  That was in addition to a warm up of 50 press ups and 50 squats - scaled muscle ups and pushpresses.  So couldn't use my arms either!  The painball certainly came out after THAT session.
I had intended to be strictly primal this week but I have a friend who thinks it's funny to hide Lindt chocolate bars around my flat - and as I have the breaking strain of a soggy kitkat I "may" have eaten a fair bit - hey I'm supposed to be hunter-gathering right??
Apart from the chocolate fail I have been pretty good.  Now that I'm half way through I can share some of the things I have learnt along the way.  You CAN eat too many roast parsnips, squash only tastes good if you roast it with lots of spices, it's amazing how many eggs you can get through in a week,  Becky may be built on bacon but I'm fueled by chorizo,  I haven't yet got bored of roast chicken, Nando's is my friend.  I have found the facebook support page invaluable for inspiration (thank you Cathie, Becky, Jules and Cherie in particular) - I LOVE huevos rancheros, and my slow cooker is a godsend.  The only thing I still crave is chocolate (and occasionally martinis).

I have noticed that while the weight hasn't dropped off as I had hoped - I am slowly getting less wide and my double chin is receding.  And while I'm not bouncing around like Tigger with energy I have stopped needing to take an afternoon nap when I'm "working from home".  I have managed 3 crossfit sessions this week (which is a first for quite a while) and while I'm aching I'm not crawling along the floor begging for mercy.  I managed PBs on back squats, shoulder presses and deadlifts today and have gone down to a green band for my pull ups.  After 3 weeks I think I can safely say that despite my initial scepticism I am enjoying being primal - I am eating more vegetables than I had ever though possible and am taking pleasure in finding new and interesting things to cook.  I quite like being a cavegirl (as long as she can occasionally get upside down drunk without being squashed by a woolly mammoth)

Going loco....

Yup - who'd have thought that I would wander into M&S and pass the chocolate and biscuits aisles without a sidelong glance and go straight to pick up lamb koftas and a little pack of fruit and nuts!   I have a Nando's loyalty card and a vegetable rack brimming with, well er... loads of vegetables.   I have to admit that squash week was a little bit of a disaster.  I had it all planned - I was going to buy lots of different and exotic squash, cook them in clever and innovative ways and then write it all up here to show what a clever little cavegirl I was.  It all started so well when my sister and I wandered past Reg theVeg in Clifton village and noticed a big basket of different and exotic squash(es?)  A lovely French lady then talked to us about the different types - I particularly wanted spaghetti squash as I wanted to try to make paleo spag bol.  Luckily they had one, they also had a Crown Prince Albert  squash about which the lady waxed lyrical so I bought that too - my sis bought 2 little acorn squash(es?) for the kids as we had been told you could eat them for dessert - roasted and sprinkled with sugar and cinnamon.  So far so good - I also had a butternut squash at home that I was going to spicy roast and make into frittata with some chorizo for my sailing weekend.

The spaghetti squash was easy - stab it a couple of times with a knife (or a fork) and bung it in the oven about 180degrees C and leave for 40mins to an hour - (but DON'T let it roll to the back of the oven and get jammed between the shelf and the oven wall so it burns and fills the flat with a putrid smell!).  Luckily I noticed before it was too late (I just cut the burnt bit off later).  I was supposed to be cooking a meal for a couple of mates that night so bought a roast chicken and had that with the spaghetti squash fried up in butter with bacon bits and kale. (Once the squash is cooked -cut it in half, scoop out the seeds and with a fork pull out the squash flesh from the skin - it goes into strings like spaghetti - hurrah!)  Next time I would use some stronger flavours such as garlic but I was cooking for a fussy boy who doesn't like it.
The frittata was awesome and a very welcome alternative to the sandwiches, pies, pasties and sausage rolls that tend to get eaten on the boat while we're sailing.  It was a hell of a weekend - top end  gale force 8 as we struggled towards Southampton for a party.  It took 2 hours for my hands to defrost and I was very grateful for my first glass of wine in about 2 weeks.  Unfortunately I didn't manage to stick to 1 glass and although I managed to eat as clean as I could during the crew chinese meal I did seem to inhale the best part of 2 bottles of wine!
Despite feeling quite special (and f*&^ing freezing) in the morning I avoided the bacon sarnie and ate some chorizo instead but couldn't resist yorkshire pudding with my Sunday roast.  By the time we had delivered the boats back, sorted out everyone's kit it was late and we were all knackered - I still managed to turn down the offer of a Burger King on the way home but had a small chocolate bear and M&S pad thai for dinner as I hadn't prepared for Sunday night (doh!).
I have to admit that  the scales have been a little cruel to me post  the weekend but I have knuckled down and got primal again.