Wearing a Crown 👑

It’s been a strange few weeks even by the standards of my COVID life.  The last 6 years I have become used to travelling to different countries, setting up a new “home” (if you judge home by the standards of Paul Young) (Gen X alert!), but doing it under the COVID restrictions, and not only moving myself to one location, but a husband and a cat to another, has been, I admit, ever so slightly stressful.    I suspect equally stressful for poor husb, for whom the moving between countries is not so normal and he had only “laid his hat” (pop song reference, not a euphemism) for about 18 months before he was made to pick it up again and scoot back to Tunisia…with a cat (again not a euphemism).   I was somewhat amused that the reaction of some of my Palestinian colleagues to this news was to assume that we were getting divorced, and the reaction of his Palestinian friends was to offer to find him another wife so he could stay!  (weirdly that just fortified my opinion that he would be better off in Tunis while I moved to Gaza).   The stress manifested itself in having coke and ice-cream for breakfast with a chaser of dairy milk, crisps and shwarma sandwiches for lunch and more ice-cream for dinner.  Unsurprisingly my body, skin and hair have objected to this approach.  7kg weight gain, spotty, lackluster skin and frizzy straw hair – I suspect husb was considering the new Palestinian wife option quite glad to escape.  I confess it was a bit of a blow after I had managed the initial stages of lockdown in Jerusalem by exercising regularly and even completed the BBC couch to 5km https://www.bbc.co.uk/sport/get-inspired/43501261 (thanks Sarah Millican) as an excuse to get outdoors and so it really felt as if I had thrown away all the gains I had made.   With the prospect of 3 weeks strict quarantine, with cameras on my door, in my new home in Gaza, I decided to turn it into an opportunity to reset. 

 I started planning to make sure that I would have the resources I needed over 3 weeks to reset how I eat, how I exercise and how I manage my stress.  I am going to digress a little before I start on the planning and implementation of the rest because I need to put some of it into context.  Since hitting the menopause I have struggled with managing my weight (a lifelong issue but now so much more difficult – damn hormones!), and numerous other issues that I will abbreviate into sweaty, achey, moody, hairy, sleepy, itchy, tingly (and not in a good way) and above all not sexy.  I would urge any men reading this NOT to turn away now – we don’t talk about menopause enough and those of you who have a loved and valued woman in your life, whether it be lover, sister, mother, friend, you really need to know what they are going through.  You will experience elements of the “change” too because you may well be sleeping next to (only in the case of lover or friend I hope) a woman who is suffering from chronic lack of sleep, night sweats and the rest of you may be experiencing a woman who is leaving the keys in the fridge, angry ALL THE TIME,or alternatively sobbing for no apparent reason . 

For many women it is a really disorientating time, the lack of control over your body is terrifying, and there is also a sense of loss of youth, and visions of the inevitable path to the grave…alone…eaten by cats.  I spent the first two months of lockdown crying every morning, exhausted because I was kept awake by night sweats and uncontrollably angry and irritated by everything poor M did or didn’t do, especially asking why I was so angry all the time.  I am pretty sure he was wondering who had stolen his tolerably grumpy happy wife

and replaced her with this sweaty, angry harridan.  I ACHED all the time and I was wandering around in a muzzy fog, forgetting things or struggling to focus.  I began googling alzheimers because I really thought I was losing my marbles (and I have many lovely friends who would point out I am already missing a few).   I am supremely lucky that M is such a laid back individual and was so understanding (or maybe it was just that he couldn’t escape because of the lockdown), but even his happy go lucky tolerance was wearing thin and I realized this wasn’t a situation that could just continue because it was affecting my marriage, my work and my sanity.   For a very honest and funny explanation of what many women experience, I strongly suggest that you read Caitlin Moran’s article “argh, I’ve got a hormonal hangover” , unfortunately I can’t link to the article as you need a subscription to the Times, but linking to her twitter feed if you aren’t already following her is my gift to you for today – you are welcome. https://twitter.com/caitlinmoran/status/1280151777153859585?lang=en

I am lucky enough (lucky seems to be a theme here) to have an amazing network of women who support me through the adventure that is my life (if you want a bit of a backstory, check out my interview on Lauren Lyle’s podcast She’s a rec https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/s1-ep-9-bridget-forster/id1504240641?i=1000476017453) and one particular group are the ones I would categorise as the crones.  Now before anyone thinks that I am being insulting, I really am not. Crone comes from the word crown and it refers to the crown a woman receives when they enter into an era of wisdom, freedom, and personal power (thank you to the clever and still sickeningly gorgeous Gabby O’Meara for telling me this story at my 50^th birthday party).   These are my wise friends who generally no longer have mother responsibilities (or the worry that you might end up with them if they engage in any sort of sexy fun) and so are able to find their true selves and their own power (some are honorary crones).  Our whatsapp group is uplifting, supportive and informative.  I have learnt huge amounts from a very eclectic bunch ranging from fire fighters, nurses, teachers to a leather lingerie designer – all of them are adventurers.  We have had some interesting and empathetic discussions about menopause and peri-menopause and the pros and cons of HRT.  I have always been anti-chemical hormones and avoided the pill for most of my life, however after trying various herbal meno-support remedies I was at my wit’s end.  Fortuitously I came across an online weekend for women through Davina McCall’s Own Your Goals https://ownyourgoalsdavina.com/ which had a section on menopause by Dr Louise Newson https://www.menopausedoctor.co.uk/ .  After listening I decided that it was time to be a little more pro-active.  As I have health insurance through work I realized I could chuck some money at the problem and so I booked an appointment through her site to speak with a female menopause specialist.  My previous experience with a male doctor had been very much that the symptoms of menopause were inevitable and something that I pretty much had to suck up.  Amazing when you think that billions of dollars have been invested to ensure that 80 year old men can have a hard on!  Anyway moving away from that image (need to wring out my brain) I was told that even for a remote appointment I needed to be in the UK (stupid medical laws ☹) so I arranged to speak in August when I would be back in UK under quarantine.  I had an amazing discussion with a very sympathetic and empathetic doctor who reassured me this was not just one of those things women (or their loved ones) has to put up with.  She got me sorted with oestrogen, progesterone and testosterone and a blood test to monitor the effect of the testosterone, all delivered to my house in Cowes within a couple of days.  It’s been 2 months  and I can confirm that I am still not fully supplied with marbles but I got back the ones I was in possession of before I hit the big “M” milestone.  The tingles, aches and itches are mainly gone, my mood is mainly back to normal (don’t get me wrong I still get angry but that’s something a therapist really needs to deal with), the sweats have disappeared and I can finally SLEEP (apparently progesterone is a mild sedative and so taken at night helps a lot).  I am not yet sure I have got my sexy back (women’s self -image and their sensuality is a mightily complex thing) but at least I can focus again and with that I feel I have got some control back over my life.  If any of you are struggling out there – OYG is running a full day on menopause on Sunday 18^th October 2020 – you can register on facebook or on their website.  It includes exercise, nutrition advice and discussions with Dr Newsom.  If you miss it and can’t chuck money at the problem like I did (I do realise how lucky I am I promise) then there are loads of free resources on her site that are aimed at empowering women to make decisions that are right for them and to advocate with their GP for HRT that suits their needs not just whatever is available.  Also a book https://www.amazon.co.uk/Menopause-concise-manual-Concise-Manuals/dp/1785216422 if you want to read more about what is happening to your body, what is normal and what isn’t and what options there are out there.

I guess, now that I have the symptoms under control, I am reframing how I was thinking about this stage of womanhood.  We are encouraged to feel it is the end of sensuality, attractiveness, purpose, pretty much the end of everything really,  but I prefer to view it as  a time in my life when I am able to express my needs and opinions more freely without the constraints of needing to be attractive to men, I don’t have to hide any more or be nice/servile/compliant because my oestrogen is telling me to, I don’t have to put others’ needs before mine, I don’t have to comply with society’s image of a what a woman is.   I have a treasure trove of experience and knowledge hard won through years of fun but bad decisions, disobedience and drunkenness   my work, my travels, and my interactions with amazing peoples so now I do not accept that society wishes me to be invisible because I am no longer fertile, somehow abandoned by Western culture because the only use for a woman is to be attractive or to bear children.  I am a crone, and I am proud of the wisdom I have gained and the chronic liver failure scars that I have acquired while gaining it.    I think we should celebrate the “croning” as much as we celebrate a girl having her first period

 (I have been threatening my niece and godchild with a menstruation cake, for some reason she is currently not speaking to me her (fairy) godmother, no idea why), a woman’s marriage, the birth of her children.  When I am next back with friends and we can gather in more than 6s (more than 3s a coven right?!)  I shall get a crown cake made to celebrate all of the wise women I know who have become crones and I think maybe I shall start wearing a crown 👑 - not the tiara of the blushing bride or the drunken clubber,  but a full on crown - I have earned it  (although I might just start by wearing it around the house and leave the metaphorical crown for my outdoor persona).